Guy Abandons - Been?... Oh! - collection.Story of - SoftWare-PARTY; You may remember that I am one of those boring computer hobbyists. Someone was very kind in inviting me to a new marketing concept, that of the software party. I was rather surprised to find that the soft ware party was one of those all female affairs where they show off lacy undies and peculiar carnal toys.The ware was very soft and tickled in all the wrong places which made the lacy bits flap and the lady folk laughed their pants off.At least I had some amusement. I was inspecting another interesting piece of "software" which was labelled a B+ cup and I asked inquisitivley whether it was a doubled-barrelled truss.Amongst further squeals of laughter I was told that if I made any more comments like that I would probably need one. I don't know why I stayed at that party so long but I was about the last to leave.There was just the hostess who had held the party in her house, and I was just bidding my farewells at very close quarters when her husband came in looking very annoyed at the attention I was paying his wife.I asked him outright if he was jealous that I was kissing hismmmm! lady(?)he said he was so I said "come here then and I will give you a kiss too."at that point I did leave the party in something of a hurry. It was only when the police gave pursuit that I wished that I had not been so hasty.I should have remembered to change back into my own clothes as the scantily fitting lacy bits were fast becoming a liability.The double-barrelled truss had slipped as far as my waist and the flapping lace had descended to my knees and would soon trip me over. I was rather lucky as I lost the lacy bit on one skip and the "truss" got tangled just below the hairline.Thus attired, I managed to give the police the slip (which I had forgotten I had come out with) and gained refuge in a launderette. I was lucky again as there was a machine full of trousers, shirts and things which I borrowed.I felt a bit of a drip running down the high street trying to get them dry and big blobs of suds flying off like snow in the breeze. When I felt reasonably dry, I went into a cafe for a cuppa and was sat there at the window when a guy ran past loking rather grim wearing just a large plastic carrier bag with "wanda wash" written on it.he looked a great deal grimmer when he spotted me as he passed.I did not wait for him to come back, I was out the back and up a side entry just in time to see a few doors up the street where the cafe door was, the tail of a carrier bag disappearing with the police in hot pursuit. I kept hidden for long enough to see them pile the carrier, its contents, now looking livid, and some assorted software they had collected, into the back of a black van and drive past looking quite satisfied with their days work. I had been speculating why a guy had been in a launderette with just the things he stod up in, and strolled back to investigate and met the proprieteress who had a very bad stammmer. I like playing snap with people like this as I usually win. I won first prize this time as I propositioned her and while I was waiting for an answer, I made a start.like all good dances, I started off fairly slowly and was just getting towards fortisimo when she finally got out "no".I had to think quick so I pretended not to have heard and asked her to repeat it.I continued through the noise of blood rushing in the ears, flashing images in front of my eyes, the earth moving and all that.I finally lay sprawled out panting for breath when she said "alright then......"with a very little pause and I was still trying to recover, she said clearly and without any hesitation "I agreed, come on, what are you waiting for?....." gasp! I replied, my ego adopted a stammer of;- "shall i, shan't i, can i? can't i?" and had to disappoint her. I went off back down the high street fumbling in the pockets to see what I had acquired and found a bunch of keys, some loose change and a whistle in the one.In the other I found a hanky and a raw sausage?????oh sorry! that pocket has a hole in it.Amused by having a whistle to play with I pulled it out and gave it a good blow and I was suddenly surrounded by police again.One said "'ello, 'ello, did you know you can be arrested for impersonating a policeman?"I said "what was the policemen arrested for impersonating?"they wanted to know what I meant so I found a warrant card in the back pocket and offered it them and they looked a little sheepish until one said "'ere! that's Sargent Major's card."They had obviously recognised the photo on it and then the first one pulled a twisted smile and said "you had better come down to the station with us, I think the Sarge will want a word with you." They led me off down to the cells and the one who could barely suppress a smirk said "sorry Sarge, we didn't recognise you without your uniform." The Sarge by this time had acquired an ill-fitting blanket and an awful temper.He demanded his clobber back and the others were only too willing to help him retrieve it.I was left in the cells over-night with the blanket that I managed to fold into a kilt, a carrier bag and the software.During the night a drunk was thrown into the same cell.He was out for the count and was dressed like he had been at some over-enthusiastic business dinner.I was very kind and wrapped him in the blanket (after first relieving him of his suit). In the morning, I was thrown out with a caution about drunkenness and toddled off home.It was some time later that I read the paper and found an article about some local councillor had been up before the bench on a charge of indecent exposure and exhibitionism likely to cause a breech of the peace. I was even more amused when I recognised the photo of the husband of the hostess of the "software" party. back in my own clobber at last and feeling wickedly "kind" again, I folded up the suit and everything and went round to the house of the party to see the lady hostess to return the things I had borrowed. She thanked me very much and said that she would tell him of my generosity when she visited him as he had got six months. I promised to keep her company any time that she got lonely in that time if she wanted. She smiled sweetly and said "thank you but that will not be necessary, Sargent Major will be round soon, I think you ought too take these things you left yesterday." I think I went a little pale at that point as she smiled again in that sweet and knowing way. I took my leave and disappeared as I didn't really want to meet the sarge again, as he might still be wanting too get even for his embarrassment of the carrier bag. (c)guy abandon 1996. |
(Sunday, 22 June, 2025.)
