Guy Abandons - Been?... Oh! - collection.Story of - Fun bite at the Ok coral. Butcher Cassidy was busy working away preparing a load of beef to make sausages for the ho-down in the Ok saloon that evening. He was doing ok until he came to pack the mince in the skins and found that he'd run out. "Have you guys got a mo'" he called up the street to the local gang, the Fun-Dance Kids. They kinda sidled up and asked "what's the problem Butch?", "I've run out of skins for this lot" he said, gesturing to the load of mince, as it started to hum quietly to itself in the heat of the day. "no problem" they said as wry smirks crept fleetingly across their faces; as they all scampered away. They were soon back with boxes of skins and Butcher Cassidy set to work with the sausage making machine. After a while, he called up the street again to the Fun-Dance Kids; "What kind of skins are these, they're taking about two pounds of mince each and getting so fat, I can't tie a knot in them". Funny glances passed between them, then one said, "if they're for the ho-down tonight, people won't mind big sausages will they?". "Ma'be not" he sighed, "but they're awful fiddly taking off all these foil wrappers on them". Later that afternoon, when the sausages had been delivered to the Ok saloon and wild Bill Hiccup, the proprietor was busy cooking them, sheriff Wyatt Twerp was taking his daily stroll along the board-walk, out of the blazing sun. "Howdy general" he said as he ambled past the wrinkly old soldier, "What's that you're doin'" he asked in a puzzled tone. "Oh, it's the latest fashion" General Cluster mumbled back, "I'm fitting bull bars to my crazy horse". "Great!" stammered sheriff quizzically, "but what about that twenty gallon hat with the shiny metal paint job and the mouth piece in the top?". "Oh that.." muttered Cluster in reply, "I'll fix the little big horn, when I'm through with this". Sheriff would have asked a few more dumb questions, but loud reports were heard coming from the direction of the saloon. "Oh no!" he groaned, "is that the Fun-Dance Kids causing trouble again?", as he clattered off, groping for his holster. Sheriff Twerp burst into the saloon, with his water pistol cocked, "put that thing away" grumbled Wild Bill, "it's shy Annes day off today". "I heard shots comin' from here" he retorted, trying to cram his water pistol back in his holster, "That wasn't shots" Bill said with a sheepish grin, "it's somethin' to do with these sausage skins, they're provin' to be real bangers". Even as they stood there, one of the sausages was sizzling away in the pan, big enough for a bull to be proud of, with a growing bubble on the end, looking about ready to burst. With a loud bang!.. it blew a plume of steam in the air and shot a dollop of scalding fat on to Wyats pistol, which hissed like a snake and he howled like a Coyote. "Shall I get Doc' Warraday to take a look at your hand" asked Bill soothingly, "Er... yes" lied sheriff as he sat crossed legged on a bar stool. Doc' Warraday, on Holiday; sauntered in and took one glance at sheriffs red and blistered hand, his tightly crossed knees and agonised expression and said - "I've told you that'll make you short sighted", he shrugged and continued, "are you tryin' to go blind in a hurry?". "Wadder ya mean!" sheriff grunted indignantly, "I've got a scalded hand, what's this 'bout goin' blind?". "Well..." mused Doc in a knowing way, "I saw your hand and crossed knees and thought...". "You got no right to think" roared Sheriff in a bad temper, "I'm bustin' to go to the hjohn". While Doc Warraday was busy strapping up the blistered hand, shy Anne wandered in cheerily and as she moseyed by, said "Howdi Sheriff, you been missin' me real bad this time?", "I always miss you real bad" he replied with feeling. "Well yeah", she sighed, glancing him up and down; "but more than usual I guess, looking at your hand and knees". Sheriff leapt to his feet at this jibe, crying "Look!... I told these guys, I'm bustin' to go...." as a puddle started to spread about his feet. "Aah, poor sherikins" she cooed with amusement, "You can't go walkin' down the street like that, you'll have to come up stairs while we fix your pants". She towed him away towards the stairs with the gentleness of a cart horse and he stubbed his toe heavily on the bottom step as he fumbled awkwardly in the gloom. "Keep your hand to yourself" she said crisply, slapping his hand away; as he reeled and clattered noisily into the mule post with his knee. "Steady now sheriff" she said as they ascended, "we'll have to sort you out in the comedians order". "What on earths the comedians order" he asked, suspecting another damning jibe; "Toe, knee, hand,... cock!" she beamed in triumph. "Aaw shucks!" he groaned in feigned surprise, as they rounded the bend at the head of the stair. With more genuine surprise - Phylis Anne stood braced, with a low slung pair of boobs at her waist and long dark hair. Her face was nobbily, she spoke like a slob; with muscles like barge rope and fag in her gob. "where you goin' wi' the sheriff" she growled like a flatulent horse, "poor sheriff's had a slight accident" shy Anne replied sweetly, "he spilled his drink, I thought I'd fix him up". "It's your day off" Phylis Anne grumbled back, "I reckon its my turn to fix him". "I'm ok,.. honest!" sheriff stammered in horror as he clamped his cheeks together to try to prevent further accidents. "Glad to hear it" she said with a smile like a burst pumpkin, as she whisked him into her chamber in the gable end. Shy Anne stood looking a little peeved, before slipping into her own room to plot suitable retaliation. Sheriffs pants had been flapping idly in the scorching breeze under the blazing sun for a couple of hours from the gable window, before she came out again and stood a little perplexed at the site of the pile outside Phylis Annes door. "Surely it ain't...." she muttered to herself, eyeing it suspiciously, "Well wadda yer know, it's raw mince beef!". She kicked the door hard and shouted "you two havin' a picnic in there?", "you got it lady" Phylis Anne honked back, "fetch us a couple more of them there mighty sausages girl". Shy Annes features spread into an evil grin as she called back "Ok, just be a mo'". She was back down to the kitchen in the back of the saloon in a tick, found a couple more mighty sausages, seasoned them liberally with chilli sauce and pepper, then ran back with them and dropped them outside the door, giving it a further kick and shouting "ok, anythin' in the heat of passion". Shy Anne slipped back in her room to await the result, which wasn't long coming and neither were the other two. The scream that emanated from Phylis Annes room sounded the charge of the infantry and soon the saloon was full of soldiers with drawn weapons, so Shy Anne felt obliged to entertain them. When all the sausages had been skinned and the mince was ready for recycling, the infantry rode off with wide smiles on their faces and sheriff wandered out with a bow-legged gate like he'd been in the saddle for a week. Phylis Anne ventured forth with a glow on all cheeks, a twisted smile on all lips and a malignant gleam in her eye. Shy Anne minced away with a tight-lipped smirk and giving Phylis Anne a very wide birth. Bill Hiccup was now very wild since all the sausages had been used, which were meant to be for the Ho-down. He had to sweep up the heap of mince and take it back round to Butcher Cassidy for re-packing. Butcher Cassidy looked at the heap quizzically for a while, then.... well, go back to the start of this tale to find out what he did next. The problem this time was that the Fun-Dance kids couldn't raid Doc Warradays little drug store again for skins in little foil wrappers, so they had to hunt around a bit to find a suitable substitute. They eventually came across a heap of what they were looking for, under the attic windows of the saloon, so they gathered them up and took them round to Butcher Cassidy. He eyed these even more quizzically, then said "it's nearly time for the ho-down, so they'll have to do". He set about repacking the pile of humming mince that was getting very high after the heat of the day, but the job was easier this time as they were a bit slacker than before. Meanwhile, all the folks were gathering at the saloon ready for the show, a coral was set up outside and a few wild looking horses were tied up to the rail, ready for a bit of a rodeo to take place. Wild Bill Hiccup was still pretty... wild! as the sausages hadn't re-appeared to feed the crowd, so they made a start with the bare-back riding and a bit of stomping round to the music played on Phylis Annes face. She was particularly good at playing her face and was always selected for this task. Shy Anne chose not to participate in the bare-back riding, she knew she was good at it and didn't need to prove it again. The folks were kept entertained long enough for the new batch of Butcher Cassidy's sausages to arrive and were soon in a monster sized pan for the cooking. The smell of these wet a few appetites and soon everyone was tucking in and passing their usual comments about - "I don't know how you do it Butch, but nobody makes these taste like you do", "Hmmm... bit salty", "rather strongly seasoned", "skins are a bit tough". The town spittoon was put in a central position and soon rang gently to the rubbery thuds of half chewed sausage skin. While everyone was feeding their faces, Phylis Anne thought she would pass the time making friends with a stallion in the coral by neighing to it as gently as her flatulent horse voice would permit. He was not impressed and blew a base tone several octaves lower and a few decibels louder. She noticed that he or one of the horses had lost a shoe, so she was over the rails and was bent down in the middle of the coral to pick it up. This attracted stallions attention more as he trotted up behind her on all five legs. She spotted him coming and tried to scamper away as best she could and he cantered after her, taking even more interest in a chase. "Don't be a spoil-sport" cried Shy Anne, "at least let him catch you". He did catch up with her half over the rails and he won first prize in the bare-back riding contest, while she developed a very foal temper. General Cluster came hobbling by with his 20 gallon metallic stetson with its little mouth-piece sticking out the top and he was carrying a heap of peculiar ironmongery. "Has anyone seen my crazy horse" he growled to the crowd at large, "what does it look like" some of them cried back, "the big short-sighted stallion" he replied, dropping the scrap metal into a pile. "Is it that one in the coral that's been chasing Phylis Anne around" one asked with a wry grin, "I told you it was crazy" he muttered back. "Nobody's been able to catch it, let alone ride it" said one of the by-standers, "I'll soon fix that"mumbled General as he proceeded to fit the ironmongery together in a slap-dash kind of way. The rest of the crowd thought this looked like mildly amusing entertainment and all stood agog as the heap of scrap seemed to go together in the form of a metal mare. General Cluster went about his tinkering in an uninterested way, adding strange bits in rather odd places, with springs, sleeves, tubes and all manner of internal mechanics that defied comprehension. When he was through with assembly, the assembled crowd now stood expectantly, wondering what on earth he was goin' to do with such a strange contraption. They soon found out, he rumbled it along on its four wooden castors to the coral gate and shoved it through towards the middle where the Stallion was still prancing about like some great show-off. When it spotted a four-legged beast coming towards it stern first, he took more than a passing interest and came cantering up to it (on all five legs again) to make its acquaintance. He sniffed it quizzically at first, but it seemed to have the right bits in the left places, so he took a run at it and leapt on with lusty glee. Now things didn't quite go to stallions plan, with a loud metallic clank, it clamped around his joy-stick firmer than any virgin mare and nearly seized his ball bearings. The crowd gasped with shock, horror, surprise, amusement, or whatever else caught their fancy. General Cluster didn't seem to react, other than a snort of expected satisfaction. He took a length of halter rope tied to the front of metal mare and towed it away through the coral gate and stallion had to hobble along on his back legs as best he could. "Now I don't think you're treating that horse very fair" said Sheriff Wyatt Twerp, almost seriously but not quite hiding a ghost of a grin about his agonised features. "You lot said you couldn't catch it" General chortled back at the sight of their faces, "so I had to, the only way I knew how". "Most people use a lasso" said sheriff nodding wisely, "now you're not goin' to tell me you caught what you had this afternoon, with a lasso", General sniggered back and even stallion neighed his agreement. General Cluster hobbled back towards his cabin with the metal mare in tow and stallion neighing his protestations at this indignity. General thought it was protestations at the indignity, but was soon proved wrong. There had been a slight mis-calculation in the design of metal mare, the spring was far too strong and chafed through stallions joy-stick, till it dropped off and he galloped away to the empty horizon on four legs and a cloud of anguish. General Cluster was left staring after it in dumb incomprehension, before continuing home and setting about fitting pedals to metal mare. The Fun Dance Kids were amused by this latest find half way down the lane and took it back towards the saloon, with a view to finding some sort of mischief to cause with it. They met Phylis Anne on the way who burbled something about "what's that you got there boys?", "Err!... you don't recognise it?" they guffawed in chorus, "maybe you weren't lookin' too hard when you were bent over the top rail of the coral", they howled as they all fell about laughing at the flood of recognition creeping messily across her features. She snatched the "joy-stick" off them with a wail and started beating them round the heads with it, till they all stopped laughing long enough to get up and run off to a safer distance, to watch what she really wanted to do with it. Once left in some peace and she stood eyeing it speculatively, a grin crept across her face, as stealthily as a leak from a full nappy. With sudden animation, she tucked it down the top of her barbed wire stocking, and set off briskly towards the saloon. She snook out the back where the big pan was still sizzling away merrily, after a surreptitious peak to make sure nobody was watchin', she disguised it a bit with strong seasoning and dropped it in with the rest of them. She wandered out through the main bar room, trying hard to hide the malignant grin that was distorting her visage. She had to ramble round some, till she found who she had been looking for, propped against the corner post of the coral and whispering sweet nothin's to sherikins. "Have you pair had supper yet" she snorted as politely as she could muster, tryin' to be friends and not get in a fluster. "well,... since you mention it" Shy Anne cooed sweetly, "maybe Sherikins would like to share a sausage with me". "Er!... well, I'm not sure" sheriff started to mumble, "now come on sheriff" Shy Anne mewed back, "I did mean one of the big fried ones from the back kitchen". "Aaah!... that's different" he blushed, so Shy Anne led him away through the bar room to the kitchen, with Phylis Anne following at a discrete distance right on their heels. When they got to the back kitchen, there were a few others standing round stuffing their faces, and there were only 4 sausages left, including the "joy-stick" one, which she had to persuade this pair to have. She barged forward and croaked "I want that last really big one" in a hoarse whisper. "Now steady there" Shy Anne snapped, "we got here first and sherikins must be real hungry". He nodded his ascent absently as Shy Anne took the phallic banger and nibbled one end while offering sheriff the other end to munch on, which he did. Phylis Anne watched mesmerised by this spectacle as her unique expression, a grin of tragic disappointment, rippled around her face. She took sudden flight as tears were seen to appear in the corners of her eyes, she got out as far as the middle of the street, before she broke down and fell about in hysterical, tearful mirth. By the time all had finished feeding their faces on the mighty sausages, getting bad breath and indigestion, it was time for a good drink and a sing-song. The odd ends of the sausages that had been discarded, were thrown to the hogs, who turned away disgusted, holding trotters over their snouts. Some of the partakers felt a desperate need for a quenching drink while others were overcome by their sheer strength. There was a sudden panic rush to the horse trough to fill or empty it as appropriate. While Phylis Anne and the over-fortified provided the backing melody, Not-so-wild Bill Hiccup burst forth in his fullest base tone, with this most famous ballad of the old west. The ballad of Big Richard D. Longest and William Tewshort. (To the tune of "the ballad of big John"). (c)Guy Abandon 1997. |
(Monday, 27 April, 2026.)
